If Only Sauron was Smarter
by Csillan.Rose
Summary: Sauron could easily have won the war. How, you ask? Well, with a series of cunning tactics, he could have had all of Middle Earth on his side… Humor fic, R & R!
1. The Duties of Nazgul One

**If Only Sauron was Smarter…**

Summary: Sauron could easily have won the war. How, you ask? Well, with a series of cunning tactics, he could have had all of Middle Earth on his side… Humor fic, R & R!

Disclaimer: All of this belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien! Even though if he knew what I was doing with his ideas, as one of my reviewers put it, he would come after me with an axe.

A/N: Hello! My name is Hilary, and after I thought long and hard about it, I realized that Sauron could have won the war. If only he was smarter… Lol. In this fic, Sauron is the strange glowing eye from the movie. Well, this story will probably have about 10-11 chapters. It won't be too long. Bear with me! :D

**Chapter One: The Duties of Nazgul One**

Sauron looked over his Nazgul, which were lined up before him.

"**Nazgul!" **His voice echoed in the mind instead of the ears.** "We have jobs for you. We are coming upon the time to finally get our ring back! Then, we shall rule ALL!"**

Sauron enjoyed talking about himself in plural. After all, wasn't that what all the important people did?

The Nazgul watched him with eyes that didn't exist, wondering what the heck he was going to come up with next.

"**We have trained you well—"** (Here the Nazgul exchanged glances, rolling their non-existent eyes), **"And it is time for you to prove yourself to us! Now is the time of Glory! Now is the time of Power! Now is the time…for Nazgul One to pick a paper out of that little bag over there."**

Nazgul one looked over to where Sauron had indicated, (…Somehow…) and then walked over to the little brown bag and gazed down at it with a confused expression.

"_Sir…this is your great plan? Little scraps of paper in a brown bag—"_

"**INSOLENCE!"**

"…_Sorry…"_

"**Now pick your paper."**

Nazgul one reached in and pulled out a small white scrap.

"**What does it say?"**

"_Hobbits?"_

"**Ah. Good. Now We shall tell you Our diabolical plan! Nazgul one, you have picked the paper labled "Hobbits." Therefore, you shall seek out their living place, learn their weakness, and bring all of the hobbits to the Dark Side! In turn, each of the other Nazgul will pick a paper as well, then do the same. Everyone okay with that?"**

The Nazgul nodded.

"**Great. Nazgul One?"**

"_Yes, master?"_

"**Get out of Our sight."**

xxxxx

Nazgul One finally reached Hobbiton after long days of riding his pretty black horse that made irritating screeching noises. (Yes, a long misunderstood fact. It is actually the _horse_ that makes those noises…not the Nazgul.)

When he got there, however, he had no idea where to start. The hobbits were kindly folk, but they weren't inclined to trust a tall, shadowy figure that rode a black horse. How was he to find out their weakness?

Unfortunately, his first attempt hadn't worked…

_--Flash back to first attempt—_

_Nazgul One rode his horse up to the first hobbit hole he could find. After dismounting dramatically in that slow-motion way, he pounded on the door._

_It opened just a crack, and a little face peered up at him with a terrified look on its face._

"_Hello, my good hobbit!" the odd, menacing thing said, "How is your day going?"_

_The hobbit stared at him for a long time. After a little while, Nazgul One got impatient. You don't know how hot those stupid cloaks are on a late summer day…even to a strange, undead, ghost-like creature._

"_Well?"_

_The hobbit whimpered, and Nazgul One frowned. "Fine then, don't tell me." He sounded slightly hurt. Then it was back to business. "I'm taking a survey for Sauron, who wishes to be the Evil Conqueror of Middle Earth. Would you be so kind as to tell me your weakness?"_

_Nazgul One looked hopefully at the hobbit._

_It fainted._

_--end flash back—_

It took weeks of hiding in shadows and spying on the odd little creatures—(who were excruciatingly dull)—until he finally found a lead on something.

Confident he knew their weakness, he pulled gloves over hands that weren't there, and walked off into the forest.

It was time for some dirty work…

xxxxx

Five days later, Nazgul One was ready.

He had signed up a week beforehand to make a speech on hobbit square, to all of the hobbits from Bree, and Hobbiton.

He smiled at them as he stepped up onto the podium (even though they couldn't see it), dragging huge, heavy paper bags behind him. Then he cleared his throat impressively.

"_Good afternoon, my hobbits!"_

He waited at least for a "Good afternoon!" in reply, but there was silence.

Somewhat miffed, Nazgul One continued. _"I am a representative of Sauron, the Evil ruler of Mordor."_

No reaction, other than faint whimpers and some muttering of, "I told you he was up to no good…"

"_I have come to make a deal with you. This deal shall make your lives much simpler. And longer."_

There was no enthusiasm at all. The hobbits stared blankly at him. Some of them were slowly beginning to back away.

"_As a member of the dark side, you will be indulged in activities such as rebel-slaying, stealing, lying, cheating, and, of course, occasionally killing your friends when you get bored. But who really cares about that—"_

The hobbits were starting to run away.

Nazgul One wasn't about to give up, however. Triumphantly he held up one of the bags. _"Come, join the Dark Side...We have Mushrooms!"_

The hobbits froze in their tracks, and turned back to look hungrily at the bags.

Nazgul One stepped down from the podium and into his make-shift stand. _"Would you all form your line here, and I'll stamp your hand with this pretty white hot symbol of Mordor. In exchange, I'll give you all mushrooms."_

The hobbits all rushed for the stand.

"_Now, now, no fighting! Single file, everyone, there's enough to go around!"_

Nazgul One began stamping hands and handing out mushrooms.

(A/N: I really don't care if no one likes it. I have fun writing it, so I'm going to continue. The chapters get better as it goes along. :D)


	2. Nazgul Two's Dilemma

(A/N: Thank you everyone! I wasn't really expecting anyone to read this, so thank you so much! Sorry it took me a while to update, I kind of ... forgot... about it. Lol.)

**Chapter Two: Nazgul Two's Dilemma**

Sauron watched the events in Hobbiton and was satisfied. He now turned to the rest of the Nazgul.

"**Time for Roll Call! Start at Nine and count down."**

The Nazgul sighed and pulled faces under their dark hoods.

"**Nine?"**

"_We love you Sauron."_

"**Eight?"**

"_We love you Sauron."_

"**Seven?"**

"_We love you Sauron."_

"**Six?"**

"_We love you Sauron."_

"**Five?"**

"_We love you Sauron."_

"**Four?"**

"_We love you Miss Hannigan—er—I mean…Sauron."_

Sauron glared, but decided to let it pass for the moment.

"**Three?"**

"_We love you Sauron."_

"**Two?"**

Silence.

"**Two?!"**

The Nazgul all looked around. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Nazgul Two ran in, his cloak torn.

"_Stupid horses…Why do they have to have sharp teeth? They don't like it when I file them. And _why_ is it always me that gets stuck with feeding them?!"_

"**It is your turn now. Pick the paper of power."**

"_Paper of Power? It's _always_ something of power with you, isn't it?!"_

Sauron glared at him. Believe me, when you're glared at by a giant eye, it's not something to take lightly.

Nazgul Two whimpered, and then ran over to the little bag of papers.

There was a moments' pause before he pulled out a paper, then read it out loud.

"_Elves. Elves? Why do I _always_ get the hard jobs?! No fair—"_

"**SILENCE!"**

"_Yes, master."_

"**Indeed, you have the hardest job. We do not think it is possible to convert the elves to our side. If you fail in doing that, then just get rid of them completely. Cheers!"**

Nazgul Two strode out of the room, sulking.

xxxxx

After spying on the elves, Number Two thought he had an idea of how to make them all leave Middle Earth, even though it was going to be a hard job…

xxxxx

Finally, the job was done. It had been hard. It had been _excruciatingly_ hard. But he had done it!

Nazgul Two now clutched an enormous burlap sack that occasionally made strange muffled noises.

He shuddered as he remembered the horrors of the job he had had to do…

_Begin confusing flashback_

_Nazgul Two, on the back of his dragon-like mount that he had borrowed from Sauron, flew in zig-zags through the air. _

"_Come on… get in the bag…" he said in a soothing voice (which wasn't actually very soothing, considering it was coming from an undead wraith). _

_He leaned forward._

_With a quick swishing noise, he brought the bag down. There was a stifled squawking noise, and then silence._

_Nazgul Two smiled. One down… 1, 299,300,203,200,038,210,018 to go!_

_End confusing flashback_

Nazgul Two flew over Lothlorien first. The elves there had to be some of the most annoying in Middle Earth…

He flew low over the trees, and cautiously opened his bag…

The elves of Lothlorien were taken by complete surprise. They hadn't been prepared. Nazgul Two smiled.

He wouldn't have to worry about them again…

xxxxx

After several days, Nazgul Two had managed to get rid of all of the elves on Middle Earth except for Mirkwood.

He was relieved as he flew over the dark trees that he was going to be going home soon, and wouldn't have to put up with the contents of his bag anymore. These were the last of them.

Nazgul Two flew low over the elven towns of Mirkwood, and opened his bag.

There was a flurry of white as thousands upon thousands of seagulls flew from the opening, leaving behind a flurry of white feathers that made Nazgul Two sneeze.

The seagulls screeched with joy, happy to be out of the sack at last. They flew through Mirkwood, unaware of the effect they had on the elves there.

Elves everywhere stopped what they were doing and stared up at the flood of birds overhead.

There was a long, drawn out silence, then…

"To the sea!" One cried out.

"The sea! The sea!"

All of the elves of Mirkwood dropped what they were doing and ran for their elven boats.

Nazgul Two beamed with satisfaction. Suddenly he felt … (don't ask _how_…) something drop on his arm.

He looked over to see a glob of white now dripping down his black sleeve, leaving a long trail behind it.  
He wrinkled his nose. _Dang birds…_

At least he didn't have to put up with them anymore…

xxxxx

Sauron smiled (or he would, if he had had a mouth) in triumph. Nazgul Two had completed his job.

All of the elves on Middle Earth had run to their boats the minute the saw the noisy, messy birds fly overhead. Who knew _why_ the annoying creatures had this effect on them… they just did.

Anyway, it had worked, and that was all that mattered.

"**We are pleased." **Sauron announced. **"Nazgul Three, it is your turn to pick a paper from the grab bag of _DOOOOOOM._"**

(A/N: Thank you again for all of my reviews! R&R!)


	3. The Trials of Nazgul Three

(A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update! Hopefully it won't take as long next time! Thank you for all of the reviews, I'm glad you all seem to like it!)

* * *

**Chapter Three: The Trials of Nazgul Three**

Nazgul three shuffled up to the "Grab bag of Doooom" and stuck his hand inside. After a moment, he pulled out another little slip of paper.

"_Dwarves."_ He read out loud.

"**Very good. You shall convert the dwarves to our side. We don't think that will be too hard…" **Sauron glared at Number three.

Nazgul three shook his head vigorously. _"Of course not, my lord. I'm on it."_

With that, Nazgul three fled from the room.

Sauron turned to the remaining Nazgul, who just stood there and stared at him.

"**Well?" **he said, **"Go do something useful!"**

"_Yes, master."_ The Nazgul shuffled off.

xxxxx

Nazgul Three's plan was actually quite simple.

First, he got the dwarves who were guarding several rich family's treasure drunk by engaging them in a drinking contest.

Since the alcohol didn't have any effect on him (actually, it ran right through him…literally), by the time the dwarves were out cold, he was still fine.

He broke into the vault and stole as much treasure as he could, then pulled it out by cartloads.

He stashed the treasure in Mordor for safety for a while, and got to work on the other part of his plan…

…Which involved a lot of ink, quills, and parchment.

When he was finally finished writing all of the brochures, he began handing them out at different dwarven homes. He also hung them in prominent places, like the doors of Moria.

The handouts read:

_Interested in lots of pretty gold and shiny things? Interested in not having anymore problems with dragons, and getting even richer than you already are? Interested in lots of ale and drinking contests?_

_Then come to the Black Gates of Mordor on the day of the new moon! We guarantee that you won't leave empty handed! …probably because you won't leave at all…_

_(Copyright LandoShadows Publishing CO.)_

xxxxx

When the day of the new moon rolled around, the land around the Black Gates of Mordor was so covered in dwarves that you couldn't see the ground.

The other Nazgul, on Sauron's orders, helped him by brewing and then serving the ale.

By midnight, all of the dwarves were so drunk that they could hardly stay on their feet. In fact, many of them _didn't_ stay on their feet.

On the stroke of twelve, Nazgul Three got up to address the crowd.

Not a single dwarf actually heard what he said about oppression, slavery, and death. They were too drunk to actually sit and listen. All they saw was the barrels and barrels of gold that he had. (For some strange reason, the gold was oddly multiplied in their eyes. Most of the dwarves saw double the gold that there actually was.)

Therefore, when he was finished his rather disturbing speech, he got hearty cheers and a standing (well, sort of) ovation.

The other Nazgul glared at him, (…kind of…) jealous of the easy task he had. The dwarves had turned out quite easy to convert to their side.

Nazgul Three exchanged high-fives with One and Two.

Then he turned and shouted for the dwarves to line up at the gates of Mordor to get their gold and free passageway into the land of tyranny.

The dwarves hurriedly got up and fought over spaces in line.

The one in the front was quickly killed by the drunken dwarf behind him.

"_Now, now! Not yet! You'll have plenty of time to kill each other when you're _inside_ the walls."_ Nazgul Three chided him.

"Yessur." the dwarf slurred, eager eyes on the gold.

Nazgul Three sighed and began to hand it out.

xxxxx

When all of the dwarves were shut inside of the walls (weaponless and hung over) they were surrounded by armed orcs, had no choice but to join Mordor's forces or die.

Some of the more noble dwarves chose to die rather than join the side of evil, but not many.

Overall, Sauron was greatly pleased with Nazgul Three's work.

"**Well done. We congratulate you on an amazing job. Now, onto the next step of the plan of MUD."**

"_Uh… The plan of mud, Sir?"  
_**"Not the plan of mud, imbecile, the plan of MUD."**

"_Sir?"_

"**Do We have to explain _everything_ to you?"  
**

((there is a long pause as we listen to the chirping of crickets))

The Great Eye seethed. If he had had hands, he might have even made a somewhat rude gesture at this time.

"**You idiots! It's an abbreviation for—"**

"_More Ugly Ducklings?"_

"_My Unicorn Died?"_

"_My, Ur Dumb?"_

"_What?"_

"_Nevermind." _

"_Mightily Undermining Democrats?"_

"_Oh, oh! I know! What about—"_

"**SHUT UP!"**

There was immediate silence.

"**It stands for Magnificent Universal Domination!"**

There was a slightly disappointed pause.

"**Now get the heck out of our sight."**

The Nazgul hurried out.

On the way out Nazgul Eight turned to Nine.

_"And I was so sure it meant Many Uruk-hai Deaths."_

"_That would have been a good one." _Nine agreed.

* * *

(A/N: Complete bit of randomness there, I know I got bored. Beware when I get bored. Oh, and I'm sorry I don't update enough. I just have so many other stories... But I'll update whenever I can, I promise.) 

Hilary -


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